TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we are talking Damascus, the city Traditionally known for ancient society, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It should be great. Huge!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed with the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Problem Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. Some of the very best. But now, we are building them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-puzzled, majestic, and entirely from spot. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower options:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour till the drone flies")




  • As well as a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have A further location wherever American Adult males can use robes and contact it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this by far the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When previous negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: supply Anyone a suite about the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration among rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is gentle electricity," said political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock needs fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each and every unit. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire pointed out, "It is not that Trump should not open up a tower in a war zone. It is really that he need to end making use of it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the task, replied, "You realize, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Good persons. Fantastic tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from space, a element being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as chin is… properly, classified.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits just after acquiring the constructing's gold plating mirrored a great deal sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and established fireplace to an area melon cart.


"It's not merely unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," reported Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Confusing Capabilities


Probably the strangest ingredient from the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium wherever attendees might contemplate obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, full with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Regional Syrians are unsure what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-year-previous Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "If You Bomb It, They'll Come"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxury is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it might stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this may escalate regional kitsch"




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    18% claimed "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Disaster That Pays"


The venture is presently attracting attention from Worldwide investors, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll acquire three penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In line with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely consist of:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place According to the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to wait around to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as an alternative to rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a resort wherever my PTSD might have switch-down assistance."


Another write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officials worry the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Studies propose:




  • China may possibly open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is arranging a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Closing Thoughts through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that associated 3 camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It essential gold. It needed a waterslide formed similar to the Structure. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

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